You’re sooo on top of your game tonight. You’re drinking a sophisticated, barrel-aged bourbon – neat, of course. And you’ve got her eye. But as you move in, your feet go wrong when they should go right and your tongue takes charge and half-assedly spits out whatever it gets from your muddled brain. You know it’s going to be a long, sleepless night followed by a painfully lost weekend.

That’s why The Hangover Drink was created and will be available soon. Join the waiting list now.

The Hangover Drink is made from something called Hovenia Dulcis, which is either a made-up word or a raisin tree in Asia. It’s got dihydromyricetin, or DHM, which has hepatoxic properties that help break down acetaldehyde, a toxic in the liver that –

It goes on like that. Makes you want to drink just to get out of reading it. Then there’s more about GABA receptors binding to your brain and making you do stupid or illegal stuff and how drinking this while you’re out can stop that nonsense before it gets out of hand. Yes, we know that temporary brain damage is what certain drinkers seek, in which case they might want to only use this product to soothe symptoms after the fact.

The Hangover Drink contains, in addition to Hovenia Dulcis extract, things like electrolytes, prickly pear extract, milk thistle and Vitamin C and B complex.

Complex aso adequately describes the science behind it. But if The Hangover Drink keeps you from coming on to your best friend’s cousin, who happens to be a nun, then vomiting profusely after the inevitable turndown, raise a glass. It’s worth a shot.